Tuesday, June 14, 2011

California is Amazing

California is amazing.

Congratulations to Roxy on her High School graduation! I was so happy to be able to share in the celebration of the end of one season and the beginning of another.

My trip ended up being very... ambivalent. I loved seeing so many that I love and hugging as many as would let me. Beautiful place, amazing weather. The BEST coffee, better than I even remembered. Shopping was great! Broadway Plaza and Jamba Juice... YES! However, on Sunday I found myself feeling lost, broken, confused and overwhelmed. It took some time for me to figure out what was going on, here we go:

  1. I’ve been going through a LOT of little things in Florida that aren’t important, but are all important. The little annoying, we're part of the world, life things. I’m the best at blowing these things off, but after a while the injustice really was waring against me. I had to ask that all the bad news phone calls stop until I got home...there was nothing I could do from 3000 miles but feel pressure.
  2. Some of my best friends are going through the hardest trials. I have the gift of feeling what others are feeling, even if unspoken. Even if I don’t know you, I might know if you’re lying, hurt, happy, are sick, have a hurt knee, or have recently hurt yourself. I often do not know what to do with this information, but pray; in prayer God will reveal even more truths that I don’t know what to do with. I pray for you. Often.
    It goes with the gift of healing, one I am so thankful for, and as hard as all this feeling is some of the time, I am thankful God uses me. As happy as I was to see my friends, but their overwhelming emotional pain, hidden behind smiles, left me... ambivalent.
  3. I don’t feel like an effective Christian in Florida. I’m not doing the work he’s called me to do... I’ve tried to get connected. I’m not. Its confusing. Someone asked me if I can see why God moved us. My answer was, “No, not yet, not at all. I’m completely ineffective there.” He was shocked by my answer. I was a little shocked too but I don’t lie. I was making so much grounds in my teen mission work (where God has called me) and now I can’t even get connected to do anything. I know God will reveal where I need to be soon. I’m just always afraid I missed it.
  4. Someone asked me how things where in Florida. The word that came to mind was “tenuous.” No, I did not blurt that out loud. I think I said, “It’s a work-in-progress.” and smiled a 90% smile to ease their mind.
  5. I don’t lie. I know I’ve said that twice. However, it would have been easier on this trip to lie to everyone and lie about how awesome things are(n’t). The truth did make some people a little uncomfortable. I’m sorry. I just think the truth is always the best. So with that, the truth is... Its not all bad!! God is my best friend; therefore I am always in a win-win situation!

So, the second one above was the hardest for me. Sunday night I prayed that God separate MY feelings from the feelings of my friends and I felt much better, more like my centered self. Happier.

California is amazing, but man, what a roller coaster.

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