Thursday, November 25, 2010

Dreamin in Penguin

About a year ago I started having dreams about baseball. This started around January or so, not during baseball season. The dream was never repetitive, just the theme. Anything that had to do with baseball, I dreamt it: home-runs, out on first, batting cages, watching baseball in bars, beers, darts… you get the idea. Fun! One night, as I prepared for my evening of sleep, I remembered thinking,"How much fun is baseball going to be tonight?" Even though I was slightly bothered by the repetitive nature of my dreams they were so awesome, I did not care.

One night, things got even cooler. The realistic colors of the world I knew became a little more vibrant. I had a new techno color scene that was reminiscent of the TV show Pushing Daisy’s. THEN, a penguin came on the field. Yes, a penguin was covering third base. He was really big too; he had on a red jersey and baseball hat. He got me out, but I think it was because I was afraid to run to third…there was a penguin in a uniform on third… don’t judge me.

After a few nights, penguins and I are hanging out on baseball fields and playing darts in bars. So the normal baseball pattern, but now with penguins (and friends too). I don’t remember when the dreams went away. I just remember having these dreams for months.

I honestly have not thought a lot about my baseball nights, UNTIL… tonight. I’ve had a great and full day and knew sleep would come fast. It did. Baseball! So, I’m in the stands waiting for a game to start and out on the field runs…

(wait for it)

A team of penguins.

It completely freaked me out. I woke straight up.

Now I can’t sleep.

The end.

HA HA, okay, its not really the end, I’m just punch-drunk and that seemed funny… Anyway. Does anyone else have repetitive dreams? I’ve had others since baseball, but nothing as long as baseball. They include:

- Hummingbird
- Wedding ring floating in slow motion (not mine), like in a cheesy movie with a blue sky and fluffy clouds in the background. I've had this dream at least 15 times over the last month.

That is all I can remember. I wish I could blame this on medication, but I don’t take anything.

Maybe it’s a tumor.

Sunday, November 7, 2010


Essential yet appealed.
You carry all your thoughts across an open field
When flowers gaze at you
They're not the only ones who cry when they see you
- Boston by Augustana

There is a visual and emotional effect that strikes deep into my heart when I hear this song, particularly these lines. For years I have wondered what is about these lines that create such emotion for me but lately I think I've come to understand.

It's a cry for sympathy and understanding for the suffering of the writer. The thoughts, carried across an open filed, are so heavy that even the flowers cry, and they are not the only ones. It's defining loss. At least, to me, I feel loss in these lines.

Loss and I are well acquainted foes. He seems to like me a lot more than I like him. Although, the season of loss I am entering (we're moving across the country, again) is far less of a sting than that of death, I am not ready to say goodbye; something is pulling at my heartstrings and weighing on my spirit.

Lately, I've been carrying my 'thoughts across an open field' a lot. I find myself wandering around outside shopping centers wanting to be with others, but really alone. It's like I'm expecting some sort of answer that I never get. It's like I am supposed to do something, but I don't know WHAT and it does not make sense. Is it this new season of loss that has me jumbled or is there something more?

I *know* that this is God's plan for us. I *know* something amazing awaits. BUT I *know* there is something left that needs to be done before I say goodbye. California will always hold a small sliver of my heart and I can't imagine never wanting to come back to reclaim it; but I don't want to leave anything unresolved, and I feel called to...something... So, until I leave, I will continue to pray and carry my thoughts across an open shopping center. I really do hope the flowers don't cry when they see me.